« back to search

"My Mind was like a City up in Arms, all Confusion; and every new Thought was a fresh Disturber of my Peace."

— Fielding, Henry (1707-1754)

Author

Fielding, Henry (1707-1754)

Work Title

A Journey from this World to the Next [from Miscellanies]

Place of Publication

London

Publisher

Printed for the Author

Date

1743

Metaphor

"My Mind was like a City up in Arms, all Confusion; and every new Thought was a fresh Disturber of my Peace."

Metaphor in Context

'My Infancy was spent in my Father's House, in those childish Plays, which are most suitable to that State, and I think this was one of the happiest Parts of my Life; for my Parents were not among the Number of those who look upon their Children as so many Objects of a Tyrannic Power, but I was regarded as the dear Pledge of a virtuous Love, and all my little Pleasures were thought from their Indulgence their greatest Delight. At seven Years old, I was carried into France with the King's Sister, who was married to the French King, where I lived with a Person of Quality, who was an Acquaintance of my Father's. I spent my Time in learning those Things necessary to give young Persons of Fashion a polite Education, and did neither good nor evil, but day passed after day in the same easy way, till I was Fourteen; then began my Anxiety, my Vanity grew strong, and my Heart fluttered with Joy at every Compliment paid to my Beauty: and as the Lady, with whom I lived, was of a gay chearful Disposition, she kept a great deal of Company, and my Youth and Charms made me the continual Object of their Admiration. I passed some little time in those exulting Raptures, which are felt by every Woman, perfectly satisfied with her self, and with the Behaviour of others towards her: I was, when very young, promoted to be Maid of Honour to her Majesty. The Court was frequented by a young Nobleman, whose Beauty was the chief Subject of Conversation in all Assemblies of Ladies. The Delicacy of his Person, added to a great Softness in his Manner, gave every thing he said and did such an Air of Tenderness, that every Woman he spoke to, flattered her self with being the Object of his Love. I was one of those who was vain enough of my own Charms to hope to make a Conquest of him, whom the whole Court sighed for; I now thought every other Object below my Notice: yet the only Pleasure I proposed to myself in this Design, was, the triumphing over that Heart, which I plainly saw all the Ladies of the highest Quality, and the greatest Beauty would have been proud of possessing. I was yet too young to be very artful, but Nature, without any Assistance, soon discovers to a Man, who is used to Gallantry, a Woman's Desire to be liked by him, whether that Desire arises from any particular Choice she makes of him, or only from Vanity. He soon perceived my Thoughts, and gratified my utmost Wishes, by constantly preferring me before all other Women, and exerting his utmost Gallantry and Address to engage my Affections. This sudden Happiness, which I then thought the greatest I could have had, appeared visible in all my Actions; I grew so gay, and so full of Vivacity, that it made my Person appear still to a better Advantage, all my Acquaintance pretended to be fonder of me than ever; tho' young as I was, I plainly saw it was but Pretence, for through all their Endeavours to the contrary, Envy would often break forth in sly Insinuations, and malicious Sneers, which gave me fresh matter of Triumph, and frequent Opportunities of insulting them; which I never let slip, for now first my Female Heart grew sensible of the spiteful Pleasure of seeing another languish for what I enjoy'd. Whilst I was in the height of my Happiness, her Majesty fell ill of a languishing Distemper, which obliged her to go into the Country for the change of Air; my Place made it necessary for me to attend her, and which way he brought it about, I can't imagine, but my young Hero found means to be one of that small Train, that waited on my Royal Mistress, altho' she went as privately as possible. Hitherto all the Interviews I had ever had with him were in public, and I only looked on him as the fitter Object to feed that Pride which had no other view, but to shew its Power; but now the Scene was quite changed. My Rivals were all at a distance: the Place we went to, was as charming as the most agreeable natural Situation, assisted by the greatest Art, could make it; the pleasant solitary Walks, the singing of Birds, the thousand pretty Romantic Scenes this delightful Place afforded, gave a sudden Turn to my Mind, my whole Soul was melted into Softness, and all my Vanity was fled. My Spark was too much used to Affairs of this nature, not to perceive this Change; at first the profuse Transports of his Joy made me believe him wholly mine, and this belief gave me such Happiness, that no Language affords Words to express it, and can be only known to those who have felt it. But this was of a very short duration, for I soon found I had to do with one of those Men, whose only End in the persuit of a Woman, is to make her fall a Victim to an insatiable Desire to be admired. His Designs had succeeded, and now he every day grew colder, and, as if by Infatuation, my Passion every day increased; and notwithstanding all my Resolutions and Endeavours to the contrary, my Rage at the Disappointment at once both of my Love and Pride, and at the finding a Passion fixed in my Breast I knew not how to conquer, broke out into that inconsistent Behaviour, which must always be the Consequence of violent Passions. One Moment I reproach'd him, the next I grew to Tenderness, and blamed my self, and thought I fancied what was not true; he saw my Struggle, and triumphed in it: but as he had not Witnesses enough there of his Victory, to give him the full Enjoyment of it, he grew weary of the Country, and returned to Paris, and left me in a Condition it is utterly impossible to describe. My Mind was like a City up in Arms, all Confusion; and every new Thought was a fresh Disturber of my Peace. Sleep quite forsook me, and the Anxiety I suffered threw me into a Fever, which had like to have cost me my Life. With great Care I recovered; but the Violence of the Distemper left such a Weakness on my Body, that the Disturbance of my Mind was greatly assuaged; and now I began to comfort my self in the Reflection, that this Gentleman's being a finish'd Coquet, was very likely the only Thing could have preserved me; for he was the only Man from whom I was ever in any danger. By that time I was got tolerable well, we returned to Paris; and I confess, I both wished and feared to see this Cause of all my Pain: however, I hoped by the help of my Resentment, to be able to meet him with Indifference. This employed my Thoughts till our Arrival. The next day, there was a very full Court to congratulate the Queen on her Recovery; and amongst the rest, my Love appeared dressed and adorned, as if he designed some new Conquest. Instead of seeing a Woman he despised and slighted, he approached me with that assured Air which is common to successful Coxcombs. At the same time, I perceived I was surrounded by all those Ladies who were on his account my greatest Enemies; and in revenge, wished for nothing more than to see me make a ridiculous Figure. This Situation so perplexed my Thoughts, that when he came near enough to speak to me, I fainted away in his Arms. (Had I studied which way I could gratify him most, it was impossible to have done any thing to have pleased him more.) Some that stood by, brought smelling Bottles, and used means for my Recovery; and I was welcomed to returning Life, by all those ill-natured Repartees, which Women enraged by Envy are capable of venting. One cried, Well, I never thought my Lord had any thing so frightful in his Person, or so fierce in his Manner, as to strike a young Lady dead at the sight of him. No, no, says another, some Ladies Senses are more apt to be hurried by agreeable, than disagreeable Objects. With many more such sort of Speeches, which shewed more Malice than Wit. This not being able to bear, trembling, and with but just Strength enough to move I crawled to my Coach, and hurried home. When I was alone, and thought on what had happened to me in a public Court, I was at first driven to the utmost Despair; but afterwards, when I came to reflect, I believe this Accident contributed more to my being cured of my Passion, than any other could have done. I began to think the only Method to pique the Man, who had used me so barbarously, and to be revenged on my spightful Rivals, was to recover that Beauty, which was then languid, and had lost its Lustre, to let them see I had still Charms enough to engage as many Lovers as I could desire, and that I could yet rival them, who had thus cruelly insulted me. These pleasing Hopes revived my sinking Spirits, and worked a more effectual Cure on me, than all the Philosophy and Advice of the wisest Men could have done. I now employ'd all my Time and Care in adorning my Person, and studying the surest Means of engaging the Affections of others, while I myself continued quite indifferent; for I resolved for the future, if ever one soft Thought made its way to my Heart, to fly the Object of it, and by new Lovers to drive the Image from my Breast. I consulted my Glass every Morning, and got such a command of my Countenance, that I could suit it to the different Tastes of Variety of Lovers; and tho' I was young, for I was not yet above Seventeen; yet my public Way of Life gave me such continual Opportunities of conversing with Men, and the strong Desire I now had of pleasing them, led me to make such constant Observations on every thing they said or did, that I soon found out the different Methods of dealing with them. I observed that most Men generally liked in Women what was most opposite to their own Characters; therefore to the grave solid Man of Sense, I endeavoured to appear sprightly, and full of Spirit; to the Witty and Gay, soft and languishing; to the Amorous (for they want no increase of their Passions) cold and reserved; to the Fearful and Backward, warm and full of Fire, and so of all the rest. As to Beaus, and all those sort of Men, whose Desires are centered in the Satisfaction of their Vanity, I had learned by sad Experience, the only way to deal with them was to laugh at them, and let their own good Opinion of themselves be the only Support of their Hopes. I knew, while I could get other Followers, I was sure of them; for the only sign of Modesty they ever give, is that of not depending on their own Judgments, but following the Opinions of the greatest Number.
(pp. 276)